I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Bring me that man meat
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
