ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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