It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just want nice things and good sex
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
