note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
