Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
