I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
