I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
