Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize