I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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