I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
