I'm going to jail i love you
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
