we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
