if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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