What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
