i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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