The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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