My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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