The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
