I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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