when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
