I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
