Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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