I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
