I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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