Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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