I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
