Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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