apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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