Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
