You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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