That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
