The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
