You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
