my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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