Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
