At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
