just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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