I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize