Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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