I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize