I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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