My liver just broke up with me...
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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