Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
