I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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