the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
