I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
