My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
