dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
