Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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