There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
