I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
