so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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