first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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