Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
