Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
