I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
