U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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