Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
