Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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