from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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