Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
