The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
did i walk over a car last night?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
