On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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