where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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