just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize