the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
