final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We need to rekindle our bromance
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
